two years later

As my resignation fades from recency, I find it harder to recognize the life I used to live. I've enjoyed the process of reflection required in writing these posts, especially because it helps me feel gratitude for my current situation. The timing also makes a nice counterpoint to new year reflections, so I plan to continue the practice for as long as it is enjoyable to me.

At the highest level, the new challenges I've tackled have helped me to grow in ways I never imagined. I’ve heard people use the phrase “find your edge” in the context of doing yoga, meaning the point that pushes your body to its limit, where you can feel tension, but not pain. When I was younger, I did not understand the purpose of stretching. I viewed it as more of a demonstration of flexibility or perhaps as an activity to avoid injury in other athletic endeavors. In middle and high school, I had extremely limited flexibility due to wearing a back brace for 23 hours every day, so stretching itself was embarrassing. Trying to push myself further was uncomfortable and seemingly fruitless, so I avoided it. I was beyond my years in certain ways, but a complete ignoramus in others. It was only as an adult that I finally learned how to stretch properly by finding my edge and pushing it slowly, carefully, embracing the tension and allowing my body to relax. In my thirties, I learned how to touch my toes.

Not too terribly long after I learned how to stretch physically, I began this new journey into finding my edge in other aspects of my life. First and foremost, my resignation allowed me to focus on my children and on parenting more than I had been able to before. In the words of the philosopher and psychologist William James, “My experience is what I agree to attend to.” I knew that parenting my children was more important and meaningful to me than anything else in my life, and I wanted to attend to it more. For me, parenting continues to be one of the biggest opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment, partially because it can be extremely difficult. I’ve tried to lean into the tension there and stretch myself.

I am far from a perfect parent, but I love both the rewards and the challenges intrinsic to being with my four wild boys so much. At least most days. Sometimes, in the words of Chilli Heeler, “I need twenty minutes where no one comes near me.” And yes, I did just quote both the father of American Psychology and a cartoon dog in the same post. But frankly, that's a pretty good representation of the heterogeneity in my life. For those I-need-twenty-minutes moments, I maintain other challenges. Keeping with the stretching analogy: I might need to work on my hamstrings the most, but I still need to loosen my shoulders too. When I start to feel burned out, I tag in my husband for parenting duties and switch to other experiences. And now those other experiences aren't faculty meetings and reviewing papers. Instead, I can be more discerning in how I dedicate my time away from my kids so that it either helps me grow in some way or really rejuvenates me, or both.

For example, I've been pushing my culinary skills, and this year I attended six workshops at Le Cordon Bleu while our family was living outside of Paris during my husband's five-month sabbatical. Pause for a second and re-read that sentence out loud with the snobbiest intonation you can manage. But I also homeschooled our kids while we were abroad, which brought a new angle to all of the aforementioned parenting fulfillment and challenges. Because of the travel, I took a break from gardening this year, but I've continued to take art classes. I'm still teaching as an adjunct this year, which is even more fun than it used to be because I’m teaching more technical content now. I have a long list of things to work on that bring me joy, from books to read to homesteading-style projects, and my nascent startup project. Just as though there are many muscle-tendon groups to stretch, I'm continuing to find the edge on many aspects of my life and attending to each of them.